Seriously, though

Dear guy at the nail salon,

Unlike some women, I do not enjoy having my nails done. I hate everything about the experience, except the results. Let me make clear some issues I have with you and your colleagues.

First, get some ventilation in there. With all the chemicals wafting around, I almost get high, and not in a good way.
Second, either you do not realize or do not care that it really hurts alot when you file my skin vigorously. Stick to the nail; the goal is not to make me bleed.
Furthermore, how dare you get irritated with me because I can't understand a friggin' word you're saying. You don't even speak intelligible English when your mouth isn't covered by a mask. (And if the stuff you're trying to keep out of your mouth and nose is so bad, shouldn't I have a mask as well?) Would it hurt to look me in the face when you're mumbling so I can at least try to read your lips? Even if you spoke actual English I wouldn't want to make small talk. I'm not there to make friends, I'm there to have faux nails put on because my nails are as thin and weak as that fancy little square of paper you put in wedding invitations.
If I wanted 10 inch nails with 'artwork' on them I would have told you when I sat down. So no, I do not want that crap. Ever.

I am so dissatisfied with your establishment that I am considering going to a 'real' nail salon and paying more than $17 for a fill-in. When I decide that paying more money than I have to is appealing, it's serious.

Sincerely,
Mother of Purl